Dealing with it all

Sometimes I find myself becoming very very short tempered. I mean, I knew I always had a littttttle bit of a temper, but nothing like this. Lately, I have found myself snapping over and over because of small trivial things that normally wouldn’t have mattered. 

In the past two months, I have snapped at James and other people (mostly James..sorry babe) because I’m just in a foul mood. Not nessecarily because they did something wrong but just because it tipped me over the edge. 

Since being diagnosed with cancer, I feel like I constantly look terrible. My hair was what always pulled together my outfits, and it’s gone. If I was having a rough time, I would tilt my head down, hair covering my face and move along. But it’s gone and I’m frustrated with myself and I really really need to work on it.

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Well there goes today

This upcoming Monday, my boyfriend and I are moving into a new apartment. I had secretly planned a nice day out for today, for him and I. Only to wake up to a call from his mother saying that his parent’s are coming up here today. REALLY?

He’s an only child, but he’s also an adult and I don’t think she’s realized that yet. She has told the other family members that we haven’t come home to see them in almost a month so they have texted us saying that his mom feels left out and that he’s “shacking up with a white girl” < That one’s my favorite.

And it just really bothers me that he’s treated like a ten year old. He loves them with all of his heart. We both love them. But we don’t live with them. They don’t understand that normal people don’t see their parents every day.

So my anxiety is currently through the roof awaiting their arrival.

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A not-so-kick-the-bucket Bucketlist

In December of 2015 I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. While, yes, that is terrifying I have full faith in God that I will overcome this. But I decided to make a “Bucketlist” even though I’m determined to have a good bit of time before I kick the bucket. So here are some things I hope to do in the next couple of years to celebrate the life I’ve lived and the life I have yet to live.

  • Go skydiving
  • Go ziplining again
  • Adopt a kitten
  • And a ferret
  • Go to Paris
  • Go to Cancun
  • Go parasailing
  • Pray more
  • Learn calligraphy
  • Go to a music festival
  • Go on a cruise
  • Run in a marathon
  • Read to the children’s hospital
  • Be more patient

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An open letter to my Little Brother

Little Brother,

You are my first real love in life and I have learned so much for you. Here are a list of things I wish I would have thanked you for while we lived at home.

  • You taught me motherly instincts because I was always worrying about you.
  • You met and  played video games with every boyfriend I brought home.
  • When that boy broke my heart you never missed a beat in making fun of him.
  • You watched every movie with me.
  • You made me laugh every time we were together.
  • You always offered to help.
  • You taught me what it was like to have someone that had your back through EVERYTHING.
  • You protected me even though I’m older.
  • You took every chance you had to go out and do things together.
  • You set the bar SO high for every boy that would come along.

Thank you for the years of endless love. I can’t remember life before you, and I’m glad I can’t.

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Prayer for my Country

As I have mentioned before, I am a strong believer in the undeniable power of prayer. My reliance on Christ and His promise of grace is oftentimes the sole reason I am able to wake up  & take on the day ahead.
Within the past year, and specifically within the past few months, tragedy has continuously struck the lives of those around us. Headline after headline- innocent lives have been taken. Innocent lives have been affected. Innocent lives have been forever changed. In a world that has been so spectacularly created and advanced, why are we facing so much trauma, so much sadness, & so much hurt?
We continuously ask why?
I have recently come to the realization that the reason why is simple. The real question we should be facing is why we choose to take such outstanding measures into our own hands? Why choose to do this when Christ is in a state of ultimate control?
// Leave it all in the hands that were wounded for you – Elizabeth Elliot //
Today I pray for my community. I pray for my country. I pray for my world.
Because today, it is needed the most.
I pray that each of us find the courage to surrender, giving up our power & pride, believing that control is in the ultimate hands of power, and that no others can compare to Him.
I believe that if we do this, we will find the light & the hope that we all so desperately desire.
// For there is a reason hope is so often connected with light. And, just like light, hope will not bow to the darkness. It is always there- like a bonfire, like a candle, like a streetlight, like light under the door, like the moon and the stars, like a shadow- even if sometimes it takes time to see it //
I pray today that we find the light.
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“you have cancer”

No one ever expects to hear the words “you have cancer”. Just saying the word used to make me cringe and tasted like fire. But in the past two months, it has become a part of my every day life.

August 1, I had a surgery to remove an ovarian cyst from one of my ovaries. The procedure went well and with my loving boyfriend in tow, we were out the door and back at home the next day. Everything seemed great.We were looking forward to moving away on our own for college in just two weeks. Our troubles behind us.

Once we got up to school, I would randomly have pains in my lower abdomen. I have a history of kidney stones so that’s what I chalked it up to. There were a couple times within the next few months, where I went to the nearby rinky-dink hospital in our town only to be sent home after a few hours after being told there was “absolutely nothing wrong”.

I work in a hospital in the nearest big city and one day at work the pain was just unbearable. We weren’t too busy so I went down to the ER to be checked out. Within 30 minutes, I was having different tests and scans done one after another. Almost immediately, a doctor came back into my room, shut the door, sat down on my bed and said “you have cancer”. Just like that. In an instant a flood of emotions came over me; why me, how the hell could the hospital in our town have missed this, what will my sister and boyfriend do, how do i do this without the help of my family, WILL I DIE?

We sat together, figured out, and wrote down on a page which we titled “PLAN OF ATTACK” what the best actions for the next few months were. In a few hours I was on what felt like the longest ride of my life home to share my diagnosis with my boyfriend.

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